“If God were a good God, He would take me instead of my son, Kevin.”

I have been what I think is a fair (not good, not great) Christian most of my life.  I can’t quote you chapter and verse like many Christians, but I haven’t almost run over anyone in the church parking lot either!  I attend church regularly and since the day my children were born I prayed to God to keep them safe, forgive them for their sins and to let them live long, happy, healthy lives.

So when my 18-year-old son, Kevin, decided to move out on his own, I prayed that he would make good decisions and be safe.

The night he moved out his friends decided to throw a housewarming party for him.  Kevin drank too much and passed out.  The kids at the party laid him in his bed, on his side, in case he vomited.  While he was passed out, they shaved his head and legs as a joke.  One of his friends was worried about him and went to check on him.  He saw that Kevin’s face was blue and he was not breathing.  Kevin died of alcohol poisoning in the early morning hours, alone in the hospital, while I slept peacefully in my bed.

How could God have allowed this to happen?  I had prayed every day for Kevin to live a long and happy life.  I should have plenty of prayers stored up.  This stuff shouldn’t happen to me. 
I begged God to back up time, not a lot, just to the night before Kevin died. God could then take me instead of him. Kevin didn't deserve to die so young. I had lived a good life. In fact, I remember thinking a few weeks before Kevin died that I had lived a good life. I had experienced the wildernesses of Alaska and Montana, traveled to Asia, Europe, and the Middle East. I had enjoyed the experience of parenthood, the pain of divorce, and found the love of my life. I guess most folks would say I had lived the American dream.

If God were a good God, He would take me instead of Kevin. It seemed much fairer to me.

The days, weeks and months following Kevin’s death were difficult-and that is as nice as I can put it.  What kept me going was my desire to make something very good come from Kevin’s death.  In an effort to do this, I walked from Gilbert, Arizona to Kalispell, Montana with his ashes in my backpack.  I spoke at numerous schools and community events, sharing our story.

Our Pastor has often said, "God chooses the unimpressive to do His work." I guess I have to admit, I fall in to the "unimpressive" category, but I wished so desperately that He could have given me an assignment like organizing a raffle or bake sale.

Our Pastor also reminds us constantly that God is in charge and God causes or allows everything to happen for His glory and our good.  This doesn’t mean that we all quit our jobs and hope that God makes our house payments and has pizza delivered every night!  As Tracy Lawrence said in one of his songs, “ I just work like it’s all up to me, and pray like it’s all up to Him.”  During my 1400 mile journey from Arizona to Montana I had plenty of time to think.  I learned to accept His grace, and to accept the fact that it’s all about Him, not me.   I slowly came to grips with how important it is to understand this.  Alone, somewhere on an open road in Montana, I finally accepted this truth.  I knew I had been set free.

Something very good will come from this - for His glory and our good.

Barry Adkins is the author of Kevin’s Last Walk, A Father’s Final Journey with His Son.  The website is www.kevinslastwalk.com